85 min “During the break I realised that I had no idea what ‘Twente’ meant,” begins Kári Tulinius. “Somewhat boringly, it’s simply the name of the region. Since I could see a rabbit hole, I kept chasing and found that it derives from the name of the Germanic tribe ‘Tubantes’ or ‘Tuihanti’. They crop up a few times in the historical record, perhaps most notably taking sides against Constantine the Great, and you should never go up against someone nicknamed ‘the great’.

“FC Twente, for most of their history, were the team that didn’t win, until Yorkshireman Steve McClaren took them to their first national title. Which brought history full circle… because where was Constine the Great acclaimed as emperor? That’s right, in York. I realize this is a very niche email, but the second half has been boring enough to have me thinki… hold on, Twente equalised!”

Yes, Kari did send that 15 minutes ago but every time I, Mr Bloggy, tried to publish it something else happened.

84 min Garnacho curls a speculative effort over the bar from the left edge of the area.

84 min: Double substitution for Twente Gustaf Lagerbielke and Gijs Besselink, nickname Vennegoor, replace for the goalscorer Sam Lammers and Youri Regeer.

83 min Van Wolfswinkel is booked for a foul on Hojlund.

81 min: Just wide from Fernandes! Yeah, his confidence levels aren’t too bad. Mazraoui won the ball on the edge of the Twente area, Ugarte laid it off and Fernandes smashed a first-time curler across goal. It was almost a mirror image of Riccardo Calafiori’s goal at the Etihad on Sunday; almost, because this one flashed just wide. It was a brilliant effort.

80 min Another chance for Twente, who suddenly have a three-on-two attack. Lammers underhits his pass towards Ltaief and Mazraoui intercepts on the edge of the area.

80 min “Bloggy bloggy, Bloggy. Bloggy bloggy bloggy?” says Peter Pearson. “Bloggy bloggy!!”

I’m going to regret this aren’t I.

79 min: Triple substitution for Man Utd Mason Mount, Rasmus Hojlund and Kobbie Mainoo replace Marcus Rashford, Joshua Zirkzee and Christian Eriksen.

Bruno Fernandes remains unsubbable for now.

78 min Lammers is booked for what looked a decent tackle on Fernandes.

76 min: Good save by Unnerstall! Martinesz fires an excellent pass into Zirkzee 25 yards from goal. He lays it off first time to Dalot, gets the return, beats his man with a stepover and blasts a rising drive that is pushed over by Unnerstall. Good stop.

75 min Van Wolfswinkel batters a shot from 25 yards that hits Maguire, possibly in the face. Twente are on top here.

75 min Bruno Fernandes has been very quiet tonight, and for the first time in living memory he looks short on confidence. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s taken off.

74 min: Twente substitution That’s Van Bergen’s last touch; he’s replaces by Sayfallah Ltaief.

73 min Van Bergen cuts inside from the left and overhits a fairly simple cross with Van Rooij in all sorts of space at the far post. That was a chance.

72 min That goal has winded United, who looked about as comfortable as you can be at 1-0. Now Twente are full of the joys and pushing for a winner.

71 min Rots slides a terrific through pass to Regeer (I think), who can’t take it in his stride and is tackled by Mazraoui. A cleaner touch would have put him through on goal.

FC Twente have equalised out of nothing. The intrepid right-back Van Rooij went on a barnstorming run through midfield, beating three or four players and covering 60 yards. Ugarte made a very good tackle but then Eriksen dithered and was robbed on the blindside by Lammers. He galloped into the area, gave Onana the eyes and whipped the ball past him at the near post.

GOAL! Man Utd 1-1 FC Twente (Lammers 68)

67 min: Man Utd substitution Alejandro Garnacho, who could breathe life into a Brian Eno song, replaces Amad.

66 min “If this blog is the result of machine learning based on the output of one Rob Smyth,” says Matt Dony, “then I would have expected at least one Sopranos reference.”

All due respect, you got no effin’ idea what it’s like to write a football liveblog. Every decision you make, effects every facet of every other effin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end, you’re completely alone with it all.

64 min Ugarte overruns the ball in the area but then crunches a defender to win a corner. He’s had a decent game, and his style is slightly reminiscent of Remi Moses. Now all United need is for Kobbie Mainoo to become Bryan Robson.

62 min Rots gives Bruno Fernandes a good reason to go down by planting his studs into the achilles. That looked painful and he should really have been booked.

61 min Zirkzee and Dalot, who has spent most of the night in central midfield, combine neatly to find Rashford on the left side of the area. He tries a first-time curler across goal that is well blocked by Van Rooij.

61 min: Double substitution for Twente Daan Rots and Mathias Kjolo replace Sem Steijn, which is a surprise, and Michel Vlap.

60 min The Twente fans appeal for handball when the corner hits Fernandes. Nobody on the field seems too interested. It eventually leads to another corner, which is headed over by the backpedalling Hilgers at the far post. An awkward chance.

59 min The resulting free-kick is 25 yards from goal, to the left of centre. Steijn curls a decent, dipping effort towards the far corner that is pushed behind by the diving Onana. I think would have hit the post anyway but he couldn’t take any chances.

58 min Martinez wipes out some poor sucker in a white shirt and is rightly booked.

57 min With nothing much happening on the field, this is a good time to reveal that, in a groundbreaking experiment, this live blog is being written by Artificical Intelligence.

The Guardian has created an exclusive blogbot, Mr Bloggy, which has been fed every minute-by-minute report that Rob Smyth has written since 2004, and this is the result.

55 min One-nil can be a dangerous lead, almost as dangerous as 2-0, but right now United are in control and keeping Twente at arm’s length.

53 min Amad slithers away from Salah-Eddine, who recovers to make a desperate and vital challenge in the area. The resulting corner bounces nicely for Maguire, who twists to smack the bouncing ball straight at Unnerstall from eight yards. Decent chance.

51 min A decent little spell for Twente. Vlap’s cross is headed away by Maguire, but United lose possession and Twente pick up where they left off.

48 min A deft touch from Zirkzee releases Dalot, who tries to run through the entire defence before running out of room on the edge of the area. Zirkzee’s link play can be really neat.

46 min And they’re off. No substitutions, not one.

“Please don’t knock the faint whiff of sterile domination,” says Jason Jawando. “I’ve had many a successful night on the town after splashing on a bit of sterile domination because I’d run out of Brut.”

That’s funny, which makes me even more ashamed to admit I can’t read it without the voice in my head shouting: ‘Yeah but it doesn’t work because if it was an aftershave it’d be a proper noun so the S and the D would be capitalised like the B in Brut. You’re welcome.’

This is what I have to live with, every day.

“Erik ten Hag treats objects like women,” says Gerry Scott, and if you haven’t seen The Big Lebowski you may wonder what the blessed hell he’s talking about.

He and I, meanwhile, may wonder what the blessed hell you’ve done with the last 26 years of your life.

“Just noticed Erik ten Hag scribbling a note on a scrappy bit of paper in the rain with a four-colour biro,” says Aran Scutcher. “He looks like he’s about to rush out the house to go to the supermarket. This is a multi-billion dollar business, ETH is paid millions and it’s 2024. Surely there’s a better way to record his tactical observations?”

Do we know they’re tactical observations? I assumed he was doing a Jackie Treehorn scribble to keep himself entertained.

Half time: Man Utd 1-0 FC Twente

44 min Steijn wins a corner for Twente, which leads to another when Rashford hacks the ball behind. The second corner is hung up towards Hilgers at the far post. He heads it down and United clear. You can’t get the set-piece coaches these days.

42 min Twente’s attacking threat has faded as the half has progressed, though they are still trying to make something happen. They haven’t lacked belief, only a bit of Roy Keane’s favourite word.

40 min After a patient, well-worked move from United, Mazraoui’s low cross is too close to Unnerstall.

39 min “I’m sorry, but this is a Jack conspiracy of the highest order,” thunders Matt Dony. “Cardiff may be damp, but Swansea? Swansea is on another meteorological level. Perpetually grey and drizzly and grim. Astonishingly so. Big Weather have a lot to answer for.”

Big Weather? I’m sure I heard them on 6 Music earlier.

37 min The goal was the first shot on target by a United player. They haven’t played badly, I should stress that, but their performance has hit a whiff of our old friend sterile domination.

Bruno Fernandes fired a pass into the area for Dalot, who couldn’t quite control it on the run and was tackled by Hilgers. The ball ran loose to Eriksen, 15 yards out to the left of centre, and he sizzled a first-time drive into the far top corner. Lovely goal.