Name: Topless men.

Age: As old as men.

Appearance: Highly seasonal, increasingly objectionable.

Who’s objecting? Three-quarters of Britons, according to a new poll.

That seems a bit censorious. Nevertheless, 75% of those surveyed think it’s unacceptable for men to be shirtless in public, outside of the pool or the beach.

I understand that male toplessness might be inappropriate at the opera, but what if you’re working outdoors? Unless your outdoor work involves picking litter off the beach or cleaning the pool, it’s not on. Or rather, not off.

Seems harsh. Some respondents went even further: nearly a quarter of them insisted men who removed their shirts in public should face prosecution and fines.

With no exceptions? Well, 46% of those surveyed agreed that public toplessness might be permitted if the man in question were in peak physical condition.

So it’s fine for the fit few, and fines for everyone else. Who’s going to enforce that? I’m afraid that question was not on the survey.

Where is all this hostility toward bare-chested men coming from? Women? Actually, disapproval was pretty evenly distributed, with 72% of men and 76% of women calling it unacceptable.

How strange. But there is research to suggest women view male toplessness as a sign of immaturity, and that men who include shirtless pics in their dating app profiles receive 25% fewer matches as a result.

Isn’t there a simultaneous campaign under way to allow women to go topless? You might be thinking of the “Free the Nipple” movement, which argues that it should be just as acceptable for women to appear topless in public as it is for men.

Which is to say, completely unacceptable. On the admittedly limited evidence of this poll, yes.

So people want women to be able to go topless wherever they please, but if a man takes his shirt off in the park, they want him to be thrown in jail. It’s maybe not quite that extreme.

Wokery gone mad. Aren’t any men proud to go shirtless? They are – to an extent – in Cardiff (44%), Manchester (37%) and Sheffield (36%), in contrast to a woeful national average of just 19%.

Do you think it’s possible men and women could one day unite to demand the freedom to go topless regardless of sex, gender, age or fitness? No.

Why not? Because the issue of male toplessness only crops up on the hottest three days of summer. By next week, we’ll have forgotten about it for another year.

Do say: “I’m too sexy for my shirt.”

Don’t say: “Unfortunately, I was also too sexy for sunblock. So sexy it hurts.”