Incredibly, given all the trouble in the world, we were short of an item or two on my BBC radio show recently. Someone suggested something about budgie smugglers coming back into fashion. Hardly very Reithian, is it? On the other hand, we all need a break from the dark stuff. And anyway, it turned out there was plenty in the budgie smugglers story with which to inform, educate and entertain our listeners.

For a start, we needed to define the term. I’d been banging on about budgie smugglers on the radio all morning when I got a text from my mum demanding I explain what the devil these budgie smugglers were. In fact, she was so unfamiliar with the term that she spelt it phonetically using her Croatian keyboard, which renders it “bađi smagles”. So, to be clear, we’re talking men’s swimwear, with bađi smagles being the tight, not-leaving-much-to-the-imagination style, as distinct from rather more modest swimming shorts which, mercifully, have become the norm. The tight ones had fallen out of favour but now, someone read somewhere, they were making a comeback.

Eyewateringly tight swimming pants have been referred to as budgie smugglers for barely a quarter of a century, the description originating in a 1998 Australian television series called The Games, which satirised the 2000 Sydney Olympics. We can only wonder what kind of twisted mind came up with it, or indeed what kind of gentleman’s arrangement they saw that looked as if there might have been a couple of budgerigars down there. I for one have never seen such a thing and certainly have no desire to. I can’t get past the thought of some fella, engaged in rearranging things, inadvertently releasing a couple – or would it be three? – relieved budgies, freeing them to live better lives.

If the fashion comeback is for real, it’ll be good news for the Australian brand, Budgy Smuggler. Shame on them for the spelling but we’ll let that pass. Their website says they are “On a mission to free the thighs of the world”. That’s an interestingly demure take on the purpose of their gear. I’ve always taken these things to be less about freeing anything and more about a) packing things up rather too snugly and b) showing off what there is to be proud of, including, but not restricted to, the thighs.

I, needless to say, am very much a swimming shorts man. If you’d given the matter any thought, I hope you’d have reached this conclusion. Take any man, and it’s clear which way they lean when it comes to swimwear. Ronaldo’s a smuggler all day long. I’d be staggered if a single pair of swimming shorts had ever seen the inside of his wardrobe. Lionel Messi, on the other hand, shorts all the way. Have a Google of this and you’ll see I’m right. There is, to be fair, the odd shot of Ronaldo in shorts, but only in ones tailored tight enough to suggest that some kind of smuggling operation is indeed under way. Messi, though, is 100% standard shorts, bless him.

In politics I have our prime minister in shorts, as is only right and proper. The only male member of the cabinet I can see in smugglers is Hilary Benn, for some reason. Across the floor, I can imagine Robert Jenrick keeping him company. Nigel Farage, shorts. Lee Anderson, definitely smugglers. Feel free to play this game at home.

On the radio I was enjoying myself no end with all this when a listener texted in alleging that in France, budgie smugglers are mandatory! How I laughed! But it’s true. Jump into a public pool wearing shorts and you’ll be hauled right back out. Hygiene reasons, apparently. I’d have thought that shorts, allowing a bit more freedom and ventilation, would be healthier. But the logic is that you might have been in shorts all day before getting in the pool, whereas you’re unlikely, even in France, to have been a man about town in your contrebandiers de perruches.

You may by now be wondering if my level of interest in all this is entirely healthy. Well, the truth is, I once had a hand in a budgie-smuggling operation – that is, the smuggling of an actual budgie. I’m not proud of it, but it’s time to come clean. In mitigation, this was in the 1970s and I was but a child. Auntie Lily and Uncle Sid, Lily being my grandad’s sister, had long lived in Perth, Australia. But now they decided to live out their days back in Birmingham. They brought with them a budgerigar called Timmy. Timmy was a most excellent budgie. He’d tilt his head in a sweet way when whistled to, say the odd word, and fly around the front room without crapping everywhere.

They loved Timmy. We all loved Timmy. But Lily and Sid didn’t love life back in Birmingham, so resolved to return to Perth. Disastrously though, the rules were such that Timmy wouldn’t be allowed back into Australia. Disaster. Lily – pardon the slight pun – hatched a plan. She’d smuggle Timmy back to Oz in her handbag. The Timmy training commenced. Day by day we accustomed him to ever longer periods of handbag time which, being a prince among budgies, he soon got the hang of. During the flight Lily planned to feed him and let him out for a quick flap when she went to the toilet.

Departure day dawned. The jeopardy was very real. If, God forbid, they were rumbled and Timmy was to be confiscated, Lily even had with her something with which to euthanise him. Quite where she sourced this budgie poison, I know not. But off they went on a flight that still feels like the longest flight I’ve ever taken, even though I wasn’t on it. The wait was awful. Then a three-word telegram arrived: “All is well.” Oh, the joy. And the three of them lived happily ever after.

I am now bracing myself for letters about some ghastly avian health calamity that subsequently came to pass down under, with the finger pointing at our Timmy as budgie zero. Please let it not be so. If it is, as my penance, I’ll wear nothing but budgie smugglers, in and out of the water, for the rest of my days.

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